so good

i need to stop watching this and WORK



real entry soon, i swear

chungking dreams

Conference time is so bizarre. Even though it’s my 7th conference week at Sarah Lawrence, nothing really prepares you for so much collective stress. Sometimes I worry that my life may be too connected to academics. Every decision I make is tied to either the when and where of grad school.

This has been the most turbulent year of my life, and I cant say that I’m not glad it’s almost over. Being single after years, losing one of my best friends, making choices of what to do with my post-SLC life coming to some terms (somewhat, at least) with spirituality. My views on love, friendship, trust, the afterlife and a slew of other things have been completely shaken up and I’m a better person for it. Gaining a sense of autonomous happiness is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don’t really know what to say about Spencer. He was one of my closest friends and now he’s gone. It sounds clichéd and tacky, but I know his spirit remains. It could be a blind faith or childlike devotion to an idea but I do believe in the permanence of the soul and the transcendence of form. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not angry and confused, because I am. I guess all I know is that the collective love for him HAS to mean something. What that something is, I haven’t a clue.

bitching

It’s so strange, but I cant feel any real emotions anymore. Its been weeks since I’ve felt anything real (while sober at least).
I can’t believe we’re all born alone and die alone.
I cant believe one of my best friends is dead and I’m going to his funeral in a few days.
I can’t believe I have so much work to do.
I can’t believe I have so many grad school applications to do.
I can’t believe I live such a selfish and ungrateful life when so many people would love to have the comforts I do.
I can’t believe the Fugees aren’t around anymore.
I can’t believe I’m 21 but have the mind of a 9 year old.
I can't believe the diet I've been forced into.
I can’t believe we’re all born alone and die alone.

i remember the last time i saw this movie was a week after me and kayla broke up months ago, and it made me feel so good. i think it's a movie i save for times when i feel completely empty. i cant wait to see it again soon.
i feel strange

Ryan Green, a handfull of black pills, and a bag full of dry tubes and caps.

Mescaline. The Witches of Midtown, glowing orange, spewed out of a desert monster? Big men with small dogs. Fat man with a small penis, but he is about 25 feet tall. The bargain book section is not hoppin today, i'm outtie. Boogie Nights, hot drinks.

Shrooms. Lost in Florida? Or maybe it's a giant stuffed bird building, but i think the turtles are alive. Pure joy in Marine Park- kite's in the sun, husky on a wheelchair (wheelcycle?), annoying litte car after me though. POST-APOC brighton beach, star wars sand cleaners getting in the way of our midnight beach picnic. red moon rising! Usher blasting on a cell-phone.

I dream of kate bush, a large bird, and then my head rolls off and falls into my hands. Army Dreamers is my dream soundtrack.

FUN!

My brain needs a little vaycay though.

This is one of my favorite songs by sonic youth. i feel like EVOL is a really underrated album of theirs.

I am done with summer.